Why I Quit CrossFit: It's Not You, It's Me

Why I needed to leave you.  

Dear CrossFit, 

It has been 6 months since the Master's Qualifier, and I still haven't recovered. My knees are messed up. I can't squat, I can't go up or down stairs without pain. Some days I can barely walk. My right shoulder is messed up as well as my right elbow, and my right hip. I would say that 80% of the time, my body hurts. Not just when I exercise. All the time. 

I have focused on recovery, and still things are bad. So bad. The process of recovery is so slow. It feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I don't even care if I become "competitive" again. I don't care if I RX the workout, or beat Liz (I am always after you Liz).

I just want to STOP BEING IN PAIN.

But I don't blame you Crossfit.
 

CrossFit, it's not you, it's me. 

It started as a friendship, but it soon became an obsession. I was good at it, and I saw the progress on the white board. I loved the people, the competitive environment, and all the exercising. It became a part of who I was.

My identity: I am a CrossFitter. 

And that is when the trouble started.

I wanted it too badly. My successes and failures in CrossFit became who I was as a person. I spent all my time, my money and my energy trying to be THE BEST, and telling myself it was worth it. Looking back now, it feels like a bit of a false refuge (O.K., more than a bit).

I was overcompensating for something that was lacking in my life. I loved the success and glory of being such a badass. My strength, my body, my results, all were an overcompensation for something. A feeling of filling a void, a lack and a desperate need to prove myself... to the world? Nope.  

Truth is, I was overcompensating for a lack of self-love. I wanted to prove to myself that I was worth something. 

CrossFit was the one thing I felt I was good at, and could be successful at. It was masking the fact that there were other parts of my life that I was struggling with, and feeling like a failure. So I overcompensated with CrossFit.

It wasn't about strength, or fitness or health. It was about my ego, my self-esteem and my self worth. 

But it was never enough.

I remember celebrating after I got my first muscle up. The joy lasted a minute until I said to myself "Now I need to get two in a row."

The wanting more never ended. 

The truth is, if you are doing it for the wrong reasons, it will never be good enough. You will never be fit enough, strong enough, fast enough. You will be left ALWAYS WANTING MORE, which isn't so bad when those results are not tied to your self-worth. 

But if they are, like they were for me, it ends up being a never ending slippery slope.

And I can almost guarantee, that you will not see it, other than in hindsight, usually nursing yourself back from an injury, that probably could have been prevented had you listened to your body. 

Even if you aren't a "competitive" CrossFitter, and even when your results are not directly attached to your own self worth, Crossfit can be a slippery slope to injury if you get caught up in the competitive part of it. Even just a moment when you stop listening to your body, and  push "through the pain".

When you push harder than your body is capable of, and get caught up in the moment, you are on the slippery slope to pain, injury and regret.

Which is exactly the opposite as what you are trying to accomplish; to be stronger, faster, fitter, and more able to live your life fully. Isn't it?

I don't want to speak for anyone else but myself. I know, that until I can check my ego at the door, and love my body enough to listen to it when it is asking me, begging me to stop, I cannot be in the CrossFit environment. 

So where do we go from here? 

Is it goodbye and good riddance? Or can I heal and come back with a different outlook, and learn to listen to my body in a competitive environment? 

My hope is the latter, but only time will tell. 

Until then, know that I love you, I miss you and I hope that I can change my ways. I need to learn how to love my body as she is, listen to her when she is asking for a rest, and learn that my worth is not tied to my the way body looks, how much I lift, or whether or not I beat X (insert person's name i.e. Liz). 

It's not you, it's me.

And for the record, because of you I am stronger than I ever was before.

Despite the injuries, and the false refuge that I found in you. You really helped me find the best part of me. And more importantly, you made me aware of that fact that I need to love myself and that you, CrossFit, won't bring me that love. 

I need to find it within myself. 

With love and gratitude, 
Mia