A Better Why
“Attention is the most basic form of love. By paying attention we let ourselves be touched by life, and our hearts naturally become more open and engaged.” - Tara Brach
For most of my life I have been wanting more. I have been wanting to be better, sometimes different, always striving for more. As I come to the end of my 42nd year of life, I feel such clarity. Probably because I have been actively trying to pay more attention to my thoughts and my actions and it has lead me to understand myself a lot better.
I have come to notice that I have spent most my life repeating the same patterns, with a common theme. A theme of always wanting more for myself and my life with the line “not good enough” on repeat in my head.
I can be better.
I can do better.
Not good enough.
Never good enough.
The theme of not good enough threatens my goals and dreams more than any other obstacle in my path. In fact, I would say that it is the only obstacle in my path, other than time, which I have no control over.
The clarity that I have found over the last little while has come from enduring a lot of pain. The good kind of pain mostly, which I am grateful for. Not bad pain.
Bad pain is the pain of losing someone you love. Wounding pain. That is pain that doesn’t go away easily. I’ve felt that pain too. It’s tough to go through, and it teaches you lessons of its own. But that isn’t the pain I am talking about here.
Good pain is the discomfort you feel when choosing to do something you know you must do, even though it is hard or scary, and you do it no matter what. It is usually the pain that stretches you to almost to the brink of your abilities. It is the pain that you know you must endure to learn, grow, and evolve. It is the pain when you make a decision to turn a should into a must do no matter what the circumstances.
Three months ago I did two things: I started school and I quit drinking alcohol. These two choices left me with that pain. Growth pain? Perhaps. I would have to say it is more like “pain that leads to forced attention to your inner self and stretches you in ways you didn’t think you could”.
The other day I was at the precipice of this pain. Stretched at the end of my limits, like an elastic band ready to recoil back, I was just trying to survive. Then, just when I thought I couldn’t take any more, my cat decided to poop in my front closet AND my laundry basket. As I was cleaning up the poop I thought to myself, “Wow Self! You always have a little more left in your tank.” No, I wasn’t shot, or diagnosed with an illness but in that moment I didn’t think I could handle anything else. But I could, and I did. And it made me realize that life will bring me pain again and again, and I will overcome it every time.
The truth is, my new life choices of sobriety and a busy school schedule (+ 3 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats) has caused me to make some bad choices that were not aligned with my goals: Eating a lot of sugar and doing a lot of online shopping. I switched from one self-soothing addiction (drinking) to another (sugar) and another (shopping) because I was trying to suppress my thoughts and feelings of overwhelm in this crazy time in my life.
Neither of those choices were any better than having a beer. They all had the same purpose. To numb the pain. The pain of my busy schedule, the pain of feeling like I have to sacrifice my family time to start my career at the age of 42. The pain of thinking I might have to let go of some goals, in order reach others. The pain of struggling with my partner to find a new balance so we both can take care of ourselves, each other and the kids. All of that lead to what felt like a desperate need for self-soothing. And I’m not going to lie, in the moment, the chocolate taste so good. And my new Ugg boots are awesome.
But the problem is this: You cannot get enough of the things you don’t need. It will never be enough until I find the reason for the numbness and the need for my self-soothing addictions. This leads me to my main point.
I needed a better WHY. A better why that brings attention to my addictions and changes my behaviours to align with my goals and dreams. A better why that allows me to have my last “day one”, my last “reset” and my final return back on the wagon (or getting off the wagon). There is no WAGON.
By making the choice not to drink I brought attention to the real problem, which was not about drinking at all. Does that mean I will start drinking again? No. What it means it that I have realized that it is the thoughts that lead to the behaviours that need my attention.
Why do constantly feel the need to numb myself?
My better why is all about learning to pay attention and feel the feelings, accept the thoughts for what they are. Thoughts. This is the only way I can become the best version of myself, which has always been the ultimate goal. It is about learning to listen to my thoughts and feelings rather than numbing them. Because, just like Oprah, I know one thing for sure: I am the only person who can call myself on my own internal bullshit when I think it, or feel it. I know when my choices don’t align with my values and my goals. I know when I am full of shit trying to numb a pain that I know won’t go away until I deal with it.
My better why is not saying I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN… or never eat my weight in McDonald’s Big Macs. It is about pausing, and saying to myself: Not right now, not today, and surrounding myself with people who are going to make me accountable. Accountable so I make choices that align with my values and my goals so I can live my life with the most presence and energy I possibly can. Right now.
I can only be me, right now. Future me is all about my choices right now. So for today, I will do my best to turn off my emotional auto-pilot. And when the pain comes, I will listen to those feelings and show up, remember my why and take a small deliberate step in the right direction.
Victor Frankl said it best: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space, is our power to choose our response. In our response, lies our growth and our freedom.”
And that is what my better why is all about: FREEDOM. The freedom to live my life in line with my core values in order to reach my goals and dreams. Or at least not numb myself along the way.